If I were a better person, I would be turning to you, leaning on you, relying on your to prop me during this time when it seems impossible to even stand, much less move forward.
But I'm not a better person. I'm just me - petty, small-minded, selfish, and hurting. And I'm just downright pissed at you right now. I cannot believe we are here again.
When we discovered we were pregnant the very week the baby we lost last year was due, it seemed like such a merciful blessing - one that softened the blow of what should have been happening that week - as well as a good omen. It surely was a sign that all would be well this time around.
Now, it's become the cruelest joke that's ever been played on us. We've been made a fool for feeling hopeful, joyful, expectant. I mean, I actually slept long and well the night before our last appointment - something I never do in the face of uncertainty. And this is what I get. A slap in the face, a punch in the gut for feeling relaxed, calm and at peace.
I look around and see teenagers having babies, women leaving their toddlers in the car in 100+ degree heat while they go to work, idiots like Britney Spears reproducing willy-nilly and wonder, "And I can't have another baby?!"
I don't think I'm being greedy here - I don't want to repopulate the earth with my offspring - I just want Gideon to have sibling to share the world with once Jeremy and I are gone. And, on a more selfish level, I just want to experience the humbling honor of a womb bulging heavily with a healthy beautiful child. I want the chance to enjoy the sweet, crazy newborn days I squandered with Gideon on selfishness and impatience.
Please, God, please tell me, if this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing right now, then what the hell should I be doing? I'm so thankful for my beautiful, sweet son and if that's all that we're meant to have, I can cope with that - I'd finally accepted that before getting pregnant this last time. So, please, please stop teasing us. Just show us what we should be doing instead.
But please don't make us endure this loss again. I'm weak and dumb and don't have the capacity for forgiveness and understanding that I should. Another loss like this just might do in the tenuous, faltering faith I cling to imperfectly now.
Please show us the way from here.
Amen.
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Hey friend, if I were there I'd offer you a glass of wine or cup of coffee and hours of logical and illogical meandering philosophical conversation. As it is, I'll offer a virtual hug and the words that you are stronger than you could ever know. And stronger than you ever wanted to have to be. And there are others of us here, riding out the uncertain waves of life, just as you are. I don't know what it all means. Or where it's all headed. Or have the whys for the deep hurts some go through while others seem to coast without even realizing their luck. But know you're not alone...
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