I'm tired today. The baby that suddenly started sleeping through the night about six weeks ago - going from two feedings to none - started waking up again just a short two weeks later and I've struggled with what's the "right" way to deal with the wakings.
I'm sure most of the books out there would tell me that I shouldn't feed him, that since he was making it through the night, he still can make it through the night. These books make me feel like a failure, because I always end up feeding him. Not right away. I wait 10, 15, 30 minutes. Last night, I waited an hour and a half, going in twice to make sure he was really OK and that he knew I was here. I gave him water, tried singing, rubbing his tummy. He even got quiet for about 20 minutes, but when the whimpering started again, I gave in. I was tired and just wanted to sleep. And then I felt foolish. But I'm not sure if it was more for having waited so long to do what I know will work, thus prolonging our awake time or for giving in yet again and causing that prolonged awake time to be a waste.
The thing is, once he's fed, I can lay him down awake and he'll go to sleep peacefully on his own. I know this. And I know once a night is not so bad, it's actually pretty good. But every night I question myself, think about and sometimes proceed with changing tactics. I feel pressure from those voices that would say I should just let him cry. But, I can't. I just can't. The guilt assails me from all sides.
Resolution: Tonight I will do what works and not feel guilty about it, knowing this is a phase that will pass, sleeping peacefully before and after that waking, whenever it comes. I will trust my mommy heart and motherly instincts. I will enjoy the middle of the night time with the baby who will be 9 months tomorrow.
I'm headachy too. Sleep came slow after being awake for so long and when it came, my body apparently retained some of that middle-of-the-night tension, my shoulders scrunched, my neck tight. My head pounds with attempts to communicate with family members and finding my messages possibly misunderstood, tersely acknowledged and answered and I'm fighting the urge to have the last word. Desiring to be understood and to understand, but not managing to do either well. I consider and re-consider all the words that have passed between us, wondering if I said what I meant, how else it could be interpreted, if my interpretations of others' words and tone are accurate. All the words go 'round and 'round in my head and I long to turn it off. Let it go and let it be.
Resolved: I will step back and let others, closer to the situation take over. It really should be theirs and not mine anyway. I don't have to try and control this situation. It's not even mine to begin with. I just felt there was a gap, a communication lapse that I could help with. I was wrong. I will move on and let go.
Despite these things, the day is not lost. It is a gorgeous day, warm sun, cool breeze. Fall is here. I'm planning sweet potato risotto and spinach salad for dinner and cannot wait to let all of this go as I stand in front of the stove, stirring the rice and broth. I got to go to a yoga class for the third week in a row. God bless the college-aged babysitter right here in our neighborhood. Gideon and I picked and ate the first apple off of our apple trees. It was perfectly sweet, tart, and crisp.
Resolved: Live right here. Live right now. Live what's in front of me. Not behind, not ahead, not elsewhere. Give thanks. Breathe deep. Relax and count my blessings. Sink gratefully into my bed tonight, when the kids are quietly tucked away, the kitchen is (mostly) clean, and the coffee pot is ready to go for in the morning. Fall asleep praying. Amen.
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Oh Amy, you know I so identify with this. Especially the bit about feeling guilty about your choices no matter what you do. Ugh. Parenting books. Before I was pregnant I bought two Baby Whisperer books, but I've come to loathe them because her tone is so condescending to parents and so negative. Ugh. So I feel you. Your post was an encouragement to me to not feel guilty about doing what works! Needed that after the visit to the doctor yesterday when she told me "don't bring baby in bed with you at night or you'll build bad habits". I remained silent on that one. And then last night Will didn't comply to my planned bedtime. And what did I want to do? Bring baby in bed with me. Ha! Luckily he didn't do well with it, so he eventually ended up in the crib regardless.
ReplyDeleteOh, yes. Totally right decisions, all. Just feed the baby and go back to bed. When he's in Kindergarten you'll only have a vague memory of it, and by then you'll be able to (sort of) laugh about the energy and exhaustion you expended even in the worrying about it.
ReplyDeleteI just found notes from August '08 (2 mos before Sarah was 2), and noted that she woke up at 12:30, 2:30, 4:30, and 5:30. And that Elizabeth woke up at 4:00. Thing is, that's about right - it was just constant all the time between the two of them. But here we are: thriving. Years later, yes, but being here now makes me wonder if I needed to spend any emotional energy at all worrying if I was doing the right thing. (Although, like you, I simply made a decision to feed and hold her and sleep more.) Great post, Amy. I think it might be my favorite.
I've quit worrying about what the parenting books and other people say I should do. Mostly because I learned quickly with Ian that if I go with my mommy gut, I'm much happier and less stressed. And when I'm happier and less stressed, so are my kids.
ReplyDeleteYour post was good for me to read today..reminders to live in the here and now and let go are much needed!